Break
Break
By Gabriel John Ostler
“Good afternoon, folks! Welcome to beautiful Barrow Park where today, the thirty-three and twenty-one Penosa Golden Knights host the twenty-two and thirty-two Angel Pass Sharks in what is sure to be an exciting contest. Hello, I’m Wade Newberry, the voice of the Goldies, here as always with my partner Alan Lemon—oh, my mistake, folks. Alan called in sick today. But you’ve still got me and you’ve still got Golden Knights baseball!
And what a day it is for our national pastime. Folks, I’ve seen a lot of gorgeous, picturesque days during my thirty-five years behind this microphone, but by God, this might be the very best one. Seventy-two degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and only the lightest breeze rolling in over that famous left-field fence. I mean, it is spectacular. It sets the stage nicely for this clash between the Golden Knights and the Sharks. Penosa has the better record so far this year, but Angel Pass has gathered some momentum as of late, winning four out of their last five. Stay tuned, folks—starting lineups and more breakdown right after these words from our sponsors. Golden Knights baseball, Wade Newberry, WKAY 750.”
Hi! I’m Bob Morris, owner and proprietor of Bob’s Pit Stop, located down Streets Avenue in Penosa. If you’re looking for a fun, family-friendly dining experience with great food to boot, well, the best choice you can make is to pull into this Pit Stop. We are conveniently located just a few blocks down from Barrow Park, so you can work up an appetite cheering on our Golden Knights and then hit the Pit to fill up with some food that’s bound to be a home run. Bob’s Pit Stop! You’ll never leave hungry.
“And we’re back on radio WKAY 750! Hello folks. It’s Wade Newberry, the voice of the Goldies, here as always with my partner Alan Lem—Oops! Apologies again, folks, force of habit, I suppose. I keep forgetting that my partner Alan Lemon called in sick today. Get better soon, pal! I miss you up here in the booth.
Starting lineups! First, the visitors, the Angel Pass Sharks, managed by Sterling Moss. Batting first is second baseman Anthony Rescalvo, followed by first baseman Steven Bandy. Third is catcher Roberto Patrón, and batting cleanup is left fielder James Jefferson. Then up comes right fielder Bradley Berg, who is followed by shortstop Rick Pleasant. Coming in at the seven-hole is center fielder King Garrett, followed by third baseman Samuel Cole. And rounding out the order is starting pitcher Andy “Rolls” Levesque, who this year is sporting a five-and-five record and a four point oh two E-R-A. The Sharks carry a lot of explosive potential in their batting order but tend to be a little streaky.
We’ll see which Sharks team comes out to face our own Penosa Golden Knights, managed by the incomparable Terry Templeton. Leading off for the Goldies is fleet-footed shortstop Trent Maxwell, boasting a very healthy on-base-percentage of three eighty-two. Following him is his middle-infield compatriot, second baseman Vernon Stainbrook, who comes into this game riding a tidy thirteen-game hitting streak. Third baseman Hunter Santiago owns the three-hole, as he leads the league in dingers so far this year. The cleanup spot belongs to center fielder Jefferson Stairs tonight—it looks as though Templeton thinks a change of scenery will help slumping right fielder Jaime Delgado, who moves down a slot to bat fifth today. Following him is first baseman A.T. Bridget, and the order is finished out by catcher Giovanni DeBlasio, left fielder Joey Cunningham, and the flame-throwing Russian, starting pitcher Czevin Kaminsky, who has been absolutely lights-out this season with a spotless nine-and-oh record and a blisteringly low one-point-eight nine E-R-A.
Mmm! I can feel the anticipation crackling out of those worn wooden bleachers. Man, those are some fan-tastic seats down there. What an atmosphere. Folks, I know us broadcasters aren’t supposed to take stands on these sort of things, but I cannot imagine Golden Knights baseball without Barrow Park. That left-field fence, the way the press box hangs out over the stands behind home plate, the old-style clock dominating the scoreboard out in center…folks, this park is a timeless treasure, just like the game itself. I reckon if they ever bulldoze this place, they’ll have to bulldoze me with it! What’s your take, Alan? Oh, for Pete’s sake, I must be losing it! Alan Lemon called in sick today, folks. Get better soon, Alan! I miss you up in the booth.
Well, it looks as though Kaminsky is just about done with his warmup tosses. We’re gonna send you off to some words from our sponsors and catch you right back at the start of this ballgame. Stay tuned, folks! Golden Knights baseball, Wade Newberry, WKAY 750.”
[brakes screeching harshly]
-Honey, I’m home!
-What have I said about pulling in the driveway too fast?
-What do you mean? I came in at two miles an hour!
Are your brakes just not getting the job done anymore? Hi, I’m Bob Morris, owner and proprietor of Bob’s Pit Stop. But this Pit Stop doesn’t serve food—here, we offer the best auto repair you’ll find in Penosa. And if you come in today and mention this commercial, we’ll give you thirty percent off a complete brake pad replacement! So whatever your automotive needs, swing by Bob’s Pit Stop, located down Streets Avenue, just a few blocks from Barrow Park. Because here, every repair job is a home run.
[car comes to a gentle stop]
-Honey, I’m home!
-Oh, it’s good to see you! I’m much happier when you come in safely.
[winking sound effect]
“And we’re back, right here on radio WKAY 750! I’m Wade Newberry, the voice of the Goldies, and we are about ready to get this ballgame underway! Kaminsky looked sharp during his warmup, Alan—do you think we’re in for a special day from the most popular man in Penosa? Alan? Oh, golly, somebody better come get me out from behind this desk. I apparently just cannot fathom that my partner in crime Alan Lemon isn’t here with me! He called in sick today. Get better soon, buddy. I miss you up here in the booth.
Here comes Angel Pass’ leadoff man, second baseman Anthony Rescalvo. You know, Kaminsky intimidates a lot of hitters just by virtue of his six foot six inch frame. How do you think the five foot nine Rescalvo feels as he slides into the batter’s box?
Rescalvo digs with his right toe and steadies the bat. With his slashing lefty stroke, he’s got a knack for beating out infield hits, so you’d think Kaminsky will start him off high. Czevin winds, throws—and it is high, just a bit too much so. Ball one.
Gosh, folks, I don’t mean to overstate the point, but boy is it a beautiful afternoon for baseball. Seventy-two degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and only the lightest breeze rolling in over that famous left-field fence. Look at how the sunlight frames Kaminsky’s regal form, standing like a bronze statue out on the mound. Beautiful stuff.
Czevin launches into that tortured windup of his and lets go. Strike! He really burned that one in the corner. Looks like he hit 97 on the gun. Rescalvo just watched it go by! Fantastic stuff from Penosa’s adopted son. Count stands at one and one.
DeBlasio puts down a sign and Kaminsky takes it right away. Contorts, unfurls—strike two! Another burner, painting the black on the other side of the plate. Looks like he ONLY hit 95 that time! I gotta say, Alan, I know we’re only three pitches into this ballgame, but I really feel that Kaminsky’s in for a special day. Heck, we’re all in for a special day! Alan? Alan, where’d you go? Folks, I don’t know where Alan Lemon’s got to, but—STRIKE THREE! Oh, pure inspiration from Kaminsky as he drops a gorgeous twelve-six curve on an overanxious Rescalvo, who takes a meaty cut and gets nothing. Templeton claps in glee from the dugout. He loves it! I love it! We go to commercial while I look for Alan. Alan?”
[brakes screeching harshly]
Hi! I’m Bob Morris, owner and proprietor of Bob’s Pit Stop, located down Streets Avenue in Penosa. Are your brakes just not getting the job done anymore? If you’re looking for a fun, family-friendly dining experience with great food to boot, well, the best choice you can make is to pull into this Pit Stop. But this Pit Stop doesn’t serve food—here, we serve up the best auto repair you’ll find in Penosa. You’ll never leave hungry! Because here, every repair job is a home run.
[winking sound effect]
“And we’re back! Folks, so sorry about the confusion here on radio WKAY 750. It’s Wade Newberry, the voice of the Goldies. Sorry about the confusion—Alan Lemon did not just go missing. He called in sick earlier. My mistake. Get well soon, friend! I miss you up here in this booth. While we were at commercial, Czevin Kaminsky, owner of a key to our lovely city of Penosa, made quick work of the second and third hitters in Angel Pass’ lineup. First baseman Steven Bandy struck out looking on a real whistler of a two-seamer at the letters and catcher Roberto Patrón grounded out to Penosa’s second baseman Vernon Stainbrook to end the inning. No score as we enter the bottom of the first. Up next are the Golden Knights, ready to come out swinging against opposing pitcher Andy “Rolls” Levesque.
Folks, let me paint this picture for you as shortstop Trent Maxwell heads to the plate. It’s a beautiful day for baseball. Seventy-two degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and only the lightest breeze rolling in over that left-field fence. I can feel the anticipation crackling out of those worn wooden bleachers as Maxwell swipes a white-cleated foot through the box to settle the dirt for his stance. Mmm! Folks, I—Folks, I know us broadcasters aren’t supposed to take stands on these sort of things, but I cannot imagine Golden Knights baseball without Barrow Park. That left-field fence, the way the press box hangs out over the stands behind home plate, the old-style clock dominating the scoreboard out in center…folks, this park is a timeless treasure, just like the game itself. I reckon if they ever bulldoze this place, they’ll have to bulldoze me with it!
Maxwell hasn’t earned that O-B-P by being a free swinger, so my money’s on a strong take on this first pitch. And, sure enough, he watches a lazy changeup drift to the right of the zone. Good eye. Ball one.
Levesque quickly goes into his windup and lets fly with…another changeup, floating almost listlessly to the outside. Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, Trent Maxwell is not going to be swinging at a pitch like that! Great eye. Ball two, the count sits at two and oh.
Now, if there’s one thing in this league you don’t want, it’s Trent Maxwell sitting on a three-and-oh count, so Rolls is going to have to make a real offering here. Even with the light breeze rolling over that famous left-field fence it looks like he’s broken into a sweat. A hurried windup and out comes a fastball—and Maxwell is ready! He pounces on it with that compact line-drive lover’s stroke and grooves it right up the middle. Check Levesque’s armpit for singe marks! Maxwell hustles down to first. Doesn’t need to do that, but the guy plays the game the right way. And Rolls is in trouble early. Seventy-two degrees.
Now you know that second baseman Vernon Stainbrook is not going to leave his friend and infield compatriot on first for very long. Stainbrook’s built this hitting streak—13 games—by being aggressive, and with how hot his bat is right now I doubt he’ll be changing that strategy. Levesque checks first base, deals—WOW! Vernon Stainbrook absolutely wallops a low curve into the left-center gap! They’re hustling around the bases—look at how similar their gaits are!—and Maxwell holds up at third while Stainbrook accepts the double. What a red-hot start for the Golden Knights! Runners on second and third, no outs, and lethal slugger Hunter Santiago next up to bat. Not a cloud in the sky! Commercials! Radio WKAY 750! Wade Newberry! Wade Newberry!”
Streets Avenue in Penosa. Penosa.
[winking sound effect]
[winking sound effect]
Hi! Bob’s Pit Stop here, owner and proprietor of appetite Bob Morris appetite are your brakes not getting the job done anymore?
-What have I said about pulling in the driveway too fast?
If you’re looking for a fun, family-friendly dining experience but this Bob Morris doesn’t serve mention this commercial! If you’re looking for a fun, family-friendly dining experience but this Bob Morris doesn’t serve mention this commercial! If you’re looking for a fun, family-friendly dining experience but—
-What have I said about pulling in the driveway too fast?
[brakes screeching harshly]
“Alan? Alan? Folks, Wade Newberry here, the voice of the Goldies. Radio WKAY 750 and I cannot remember where Alan Lemon has gone. He was here just a minute ago, I swear. Alan?
I’ll…Alan, but, oh gosh, folks, it’s such a beautiful day for baseball. Seventy-two degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and only the lightest breeze rolling in over that left- field fence.
During commercial, third baseman Hunter Santiago worked two balls out of flustered Sharks pitcher Andy Levesque. Rolls flings again—yet another toss buries itself into the dirt. Three-and-oh! No outs in the first inning and Levesque appears to have already lost control of this game. Santiago barely gets into his stance as Levesque tries to mop off his dripping forehead. He…sails a high pitch that catcher Roberto Patrón just manages to pull down. A four-pitch walk and the bases are loaded! I can’t imagine a better start for the Goldies. And I’m the voice of them!
Alan?
Bases loaded, no outs. And up comes cleanup man Jefferson Stairs, with power in his eyes and forearms like steel cables. I mean, he totes that thirty-seven ounce piece of lumber like it’s a roll of gift wrap! Manager Sterling Moss should probably go and calm down his man on the mound, but Moss leaves the visibly shaken Levesque where he is and just stares out of the dugout from behind those wraparound shades.
Folks, I—
Folks, I—
Folks, I know us broadcasters, I mean, I know us broadcasters aren’t supposed to take stands on these sort of things, but I cannot imagine Golden Knights baseball without Barrow Park. That left-field fence, the way the press box hangs out over the stands behind home plate, the old-style clock dominating the scoreboard out in center…folks, this park is a timeless treasure, just like the game itself. I reckon if they ever bulldoze this place, they’ll have to bulldoze me with it!
You can almost feel the tension…
Stairs knows he has everything going his way right now and looks the first pitch right into Patrón’s cavernous mitt. Strike one. Levesque’s first of the day and you can see that thick chest unclench from here. Oh, wow, that was fast—looks like he relaxed maybe a little too much—he jumped right back into his windup and let loose a wild one towards Stairs’ kneecaps. Stairs scoots back, the ball bounces, and Patrón blocks it with his body. Ball one.
Levesque pauses on the mound—a rare sight—and the Golden Knights faithful takes the break in the action to pile on the noise. They’re cresting into a tidal wave of emotion! Look at all these wonderful Penosans cheering on their team! The passion! The passion! I can feel the anticipation crackling out of those worn wooden bleachers! It’s a rumble, an irrepressible groundswell, and Andy Levesque is feeling it!
How could you not? These fans would get in the head of even the most seasoned hurler.
Alan? Buddy, I’m getting worried. I miss you up here in this booth.
Finishing his skyward-gazing sabbatical, Levesque checks the sign and throws. Ball two! It’s almost as if the vibrations from the crowd shook that pitch outside the strike zone. Rolls snags the ball back from Patrón, his face a ruddy, streaming mess. He barely winds up before flinging the ball towards the plate. Ball three. The Golden Knights might blow this game up in the first inning!
Look at Jefferson Stairs’ face. He knows he couldn’t be in a better position. Levesque muscles a taut, nervous fastball down the middle and Stairs doesn’t budge. Strike two. Full count, and my god, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a bigger uproar in my thirty-five years in this booth. The fans are shaking beautiful Barrow Park to its foundations!
Seventy-two degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and only the lightest breeze rolling in over that left-field fence. Seventy-two degrees, not a cloud in the sky, and only the lightest breeze rolling in over that left-field fence.
Andy Levesque reaches down deep and smokes a desperation fireball over the plate but STAIRS IS READY! WHAT AN EXPLOSION AS THAT THIRTY-SEVEN OUNCE BAT CONNECTS WITH THE ROCKETING PILL! GO, BABY! RIDE, BABY!…GONE! IT’S GONE! GRAND SLAM BY JEFFERSON STAIRS IN THE FIRST INNING OF THIS BALLGAME AND IT’S AS GOOD AS DONE. IT’S AS GOOD AS DO—”
Outside the fresh remnants of Barrow Park, two men stood, wearing battered orange hard hats. One clutched a small rubber item that resembled a game show buzzer. They coughed and fanned derelict debris from their faces.
“Hey,” said the man holding the button, “did you hear that?”
“What,” the other snorted, “the explosion?”
“No, something else. A voice or something.”
“What?”
Gabriel John Ostler {he/him} is a bowler and crab cake enthusiast from Northern California. His writing has been published in Cruel Garters, Plainsongs, and Liminality, and he is the EIC of the debuting literary magazine Crunch Ion August Review. Send him your insurance fraud ideas @orindasfinest.
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