The Edge of Caring
The Edge of Caring
By Lauren McNulty
1.
Fearghus never thought it was strange that his best friend was a girl. Emily was just like him. She liked Sonic Youth even though hardly anyone did anymore, left her homework to the last minute, and could balance the knob of a baseball bat in her palm. Ever since they had been signed up for tee-ball in kindergarten, Fearghus had been a shortstop, and Emily had played second base. They were always on the same team, because Fearghus’ dad, Ed, always coached and always picked Emily with his second pick.
“They’re a team within a team,” Ed started saying about them after a couple of years, and Fearghus liked that.
Fearghus and Emily seemed to breathe together out on the field, and they started turning double plays before anyone else in their age group. Fearghus’ mom took so many pictures of the two of them on either side of second base that they filled an entire shelf of albums and a huge chunk of memory on her computer. There were pictures of Fearghus and Emily down and ready as a pitch was being thrown, of Fearghus lining Emily up to take a cut from right field, of the two of them laughing together during a pitching change.
Fearghus looked through those pictures over and over again throughout high school. He couldn’t believe how far back they went and how young he and Emily looked in some of them. Fearghus’ hair had never changed, still slightly long and burgeoning out of his hat at all angles. Emily always had her thin, straight, blonde hair tied back in a ponytail that touched the upper part of her back. Every year, Ed made sure their team had one-size-fits-all hats, so her ponytail would fit. And they both kept playing for the same reason: they loved baseball.
2.
The last pictures Fearghus’ mom took of Fearghus and Emily together were of the summer before high school. That was the summer that they played for the Fenton Flyers, the summer team put together by the high school coach. Coach Franklin was stout and loud, he was fun and he knew what he was doing.
When Ed commented in passing that Coach Franklin seemed to think Emily was a good player and that that was a good thing, Fearghus was confused. Of course he would think Emily was a good player. Of course he would like a good ballplayer. Fearghus and Emily were having a blast playing for him. They were already planning the next four years.
“We’ll probably start on junior varsity because there’s just no one else who works as well together as we do,” Fearghus said to her as they watched a game at his house after their own game that afternoon.
Emily was over at Fearghus’ house a lot. Her dad had left when they were young, and her mom was always trying to pick up extra shifts at work. Fearghus’ mom often insisted that Emily stay for dinner, because there was almost never anyone at her house.
“You don’t think someone could come in and take those spots, do you?” Emily asked him, “Someone who went to another school, and we just haven’t seen them yet?”
“We know everybody. They all played in our league last year. Nobody is as good at short and second as we are. We just have to keep working with Coach Franklin, and we’ll be all set.”
“He seems really great,” Emily said, “I think it’ll be fun playing for him in high school.”
“It’ll be awesome,” said Fearghus, “And we’ll have such a good team.”
“Yeah, we know pretty much everyone who’s trying out.”
While Fearghus and Emily liked most of their current and former teammates there was one boy on the Flyers that they especially did not like, although they didn’t talk about it much.
Rico had never been a teammate of theirs before, because Ed had never picked him in the draft. He was a good second baseman—not as good as Emily— and because he had never been on the same team with Emily before, he had always gotten plenty of playing time.
But on the Flyers, Rico hardly ever started, and most innings he was on the bench. Fearghus hated the way Rico would sulk in the dugout every time the fielders came in at the end of an inning.
Once, midway through a game, Coach Franklin had been about to make substitutions. But when he saw Rico hunched down at the end of the bench, glaring out at the field, he raised his eyebrows and said,
“Emily, get back out there.”
Fearghus was relieved. Sometimes Rico was caught flat-footed when the ball came to him, and he occasionally couldn’t handle Fearghus’ quick flips to second.
Having Rico on the high school team with them was the only damper Fearghus could put on the next four years, and he secretly hoped Coach Franklin would just cut Rico during spring tryouts for his attitude.
He didn’t say any of this to Emily, but he did tell his dad. Ed shook his head.
“I admire your wishful thinking,” he said, “But I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’ve been watching Rico’s dad at games. He’s not happy that Rico’s riding the bench so much. Coach Franklin won’t have to deal just with Rico, he’ll have to deal with Tony, too.”
“But how can Rico’s dad have any effect on his tryout?” Fearghus asked.
Ed sighed.
“Rico’s dad could make things unpleasant for Coach Franklin and the athletic director at Fenton High if his son isn’t on the team.”
“But couldn’t you do that, too?”
“What?”
“Make things unpleasant for Coach Franklin and the athletic director?”
“What kind of man would that make me?”
Fearghus figured it was best to leave it alone. If Rico had to be on the team to make Coach Franklin’s life easier, then fine. He just felt bad for Emily, having to compete with Rico for a spot for four years.
3.
Fearghus found himself watching his father in the stands between pitches and during pitching changes. Ed would be glancing at Tony. Fearghus didn’t like how he was distracted by his father’s hunched shoulders, his crossed arms, the perceptible shake of his head. He knew Ed was watching Tony motioning to Rico, ignoring Rico’s mom even while she sat next to him. Fearghus wanted to study it more, but soon the pitcher was on the rubber again.
Fearghus looked over to Emily, to see if she had been watching the interaction in the stands. But she was smoothing the dirt in front of her with her cleat, before looking back up at the pitcher. He was astonished at how calm she was.
4.
The summer season ended and high school began. Coach Franklin had optional workouts and practices at the high school field, and Fearghus and Emily always went. Since they were practicing with seniors now, the practices were hard, but they were together. Fearghus knew they hadn’t made the team yet, but it sure felt like they had. He knew Emily felt the same way, from the way she would smile after practice.
But Fearghus was already realizing that high school might be a little different than what he and Emily had been planning. Although she was always happy and relaxed at baseball practice, Emily was tense at school. There were whispers in the halls about a girl who was going to try out for the baseball team.
“Why is she doing that?”
“But she wouldn’t belong.”
“Why doesn’t she do something else?”
He was aware of Emily’s shoulders tensing every time they heard someone ask, “Do you know who it is?”
For the first time, Fearghus realized that other people could think it was strange that his best friend was a girl. It was something he tried to bring up to his father and couldn’t quite reach.
“But Emily’s part of the team,” Fearghus said to Ed after a day of overhearing more whispers between classes. “It would be weird if Sophie Cary or Layna Jones or one of those girls tried to play baseball, because that’s not them. But it’s not weird that Emily plays with us at all.”
He didn’t understand his father’s sad smile or his mother’s assertion that, “No one would be able to understand Emily as well as you do.”
“But there’s nothing to understand!” Fearghus exclaimed, “Emily is normal!”
After a long pause, Ed said,
“Yes, Emily is normal,” before he continued, “Fearghus, there is a meeting tomorrow night for parents whose students are interested in playing baseball at Fenton High. I’m going to go, but I think there are going to be some people who raise objections to Emily trying out for the team.”
“Objections? Why?”
“Well, there might be some people who don’t think baseball is the right sport for her.”
“What? They’re going to make her switch sports?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are they going to do that to me?”
“What? Of course not!”
“Why not?”
“You’re already a good friend to Emily, Fearghus,” his mother said kindly, “But you may need to really be there for her in the future.”
Although he thought the whole situation to be fundamentally ridiculous, Fearghus couldn’t help the heavy, sick feeling that began to settle in his stomach. This can’t be happening, he thought, she’s played for years, they can’t actually do this.
5.
At practice the next day while they were throwing, he asked Emily if her mom was going to the parent meeting that night.
“No,” Emily said, catching the ball, “She has to work. But your dad told her that he can get her all the info.”
Fearghus nodded.
“I’m actually starting to get a little excited,” she said, throwing the ball back.
Fearghus winched when the ball popped into his glove.
“All this summer when we were talking about playing high school baseball, it’s like I wasn’t really thinking about it. But now, it’s like it’s actually happening!”
The weight in Fearghus’ stomach moved up to his chest, and he forced himself to smile, even though his heart was pounding.
At the end of practice, Emily went home to do homework, waving before turning up her street, while Fearghus began trudging to his house.
His parents had already left by the time he reached it. Fearghus tried to ridicule himself for thinking that the silence in the front hall was ominous. A note on the kitchen table told him there was pizza in the freezer to heat up.
Four slices later, Fearghus was flipping channels when he heard the key in the lock and the front door open. He turned the TV down and heard his parents breathe sighs of relief as they closed the door behind them. Their footsteps separated, his mother’s going to the kitchen, his father’s heading toward Fearghus in the den.
Ed stuck his head through the door.
“Fearghus?” he asked.
Fearghus muted the TV.
“How was it?”
His father sighed.
“It was alright. I think you’re going to have a great season. I can tell why you like Coach Franklin so much.”
“Yeah.”
“He speaks highly of his older players. I think you’re going to have some great role models these next couple of years.”
“And Emily?”
Ed sighed again, came into the den, and sat on the plushy red couch. Fearghus’ mother appeared in the doorway, holding a plate of pizza.
“Fearghus, the administration at Fenton High is not going to let Emily try out for the baseball team.”
Fearghus sat forward on the couch.
“What? Why?”
“They just don’t feel it’s the right place for her.”
“But that’s completely wrong! And it’s so unfair. Why can’t you do something about it?”
“The administration has experienced pressure. From Rico’s dad in particular. I believe he has convinced them that Emily would be taking somebody’s spot.”
“Yeah, Rico’s! But it’s her spot! She’s way better than he is.”
“I know.”
Fearghus tried to breathe in.
“I should quit, too. This is wrong.”
“No, Fearghus,” his mother said sharply from the doorway. “You’re not going to do that.”
“So she’s just going to go to the tryout and not be allowed to play?” Fearghus asked angrily, “Is Coach Franklin going to tell her then?”
“No. I’m going to tell her. Coach Franklin and I discussed it, and we agreed it was best, since I’ve been coaching her all these years.”
“You talked to Coach Franklin? He’s just going to let this happen?” Fearghus could feel himself getting frantic. “When are you going to tell her?”
“I’m going to call her tonight. After I’ve heated up some pizza.” Ed made a move to get up from the couch.
Fearghus stood up in one motion.
“No!” he said loudly, “You can’t do this. She’s alone; her mom’s not back from work yet.”
“Well, she’ll probably want to be alone when she hears,” Fearghus’ mother said.
But Fearghus turned and moved past her, running down the hall to the front door as he heard his father call after him.
6.
The door slammed behind Fearghus. He was all the way to the sidewalk before he realized he’d forgotten a sweatshirt. But he didn’t care. He had to get to Emily’s house before his father ate his pizza and called her.
Shivering, he started off at a fast jog. It’s only five blocks, he thought, it’s good that Coach Franklin has us in such good shape.
But Coach Franklin had gone along with not allowing Emily to try out, so what was the benefit? Fearghus couldn’t believe that Coach Franklin, who he knew thought Emily was good, could go down without a fight. And his own parents. So willing to accept defeat. Content that that was the way things were going to be. And outside of running the last block, Fearghus didn’t know what he could do either.
The lights were on in Emily’s house and as he jogged up the front walk, he could see her inside, dancing to music he could hear pumping through the walls. But when he heard the phone ring from inside the house, he stopped. Emily turned the music off and disappeared into another room. After a moment, the phone stopped ringing, and Fearghus still couldn’t make himself move.
Frozen, he realized he was breathing with his mouth closed, listening at the house and not knowing what he was listening for. Fearghus thought he saw the light shift from movement inside the house. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t understand, he told himself, it was that he couldn’t even look at her while seeing his parents’ sympathetic faces in his head.
He wondered how he could go so quickly from feeling like a catcher getting bowled over by a runner to feeling like the runner instead.
The dread from his stomach moved up through his chest, landed in his ears, his ears were ringing. He was back on the street, the pavement had seemed to move too slowly under him. His running, retreating footsteps were still loud in his ears.
Why had he run away? He was afraid he’d seen a curtain move. He hated himself for fearing it, the motion of a piece of cloth.
Lauren McNulty has a bachelor’s in English with an emphasis in creative writing. She played semi-pro baseball (hardball) for five years and has coached high school baseball (hardball) for nine years. McNulty recently graduated with a Masters in Kinesiology. This is her first short story.
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